Why Can’t I Find My Soulmate?

The Answer May Surprise You.

The disappointment I hear in the voices of the women who are lonely and looking for romance in their lives is haunting.

“Why do I keep attracting the jerks and losers?”

“All of the men in my age group are married or satisfied with being single.”

“What if I never meet the love of my life?”


There is a hidden key to finding the man of your dreams and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with your past lovers or the emotionally distant relationship you might have with your dad.

The key to finding a man who gets you and loves you is to fully recover from the hurts from the women in your past.

What you say?

How can my friendships with women have anything to do with finding my soul mate?

Let me tell you a story.

When Janna went to college, she felt really lucky. She hadn’t fit in with the cool kids in high school and was a loner. College was different though. She met people she could relate to and began to find friends.

Naïve and open, she began to trust these girls and let herself be known more and more deeply. It was fun to come home to the dorm and always find someone up, no matter what time it was, to share about dates, guys and guys.

These were really great friendship times and Janna flourished.

Then, out of the blue, Janna met a guy of her own. It was an instant crush. Every cell in her body vibrated when she thought about him. Body, mind and soul all completely captured by this wonderful man.

She fell hard and, lucky for her, so did he. Janna and Dan began hanging out together as often as they could. They didn’t really date, they just hung out. It was comfortable and fun and felt very right.

What happened next with her girlfriends blindsided her completely. Janna’s roommate, Kate, was going through a messy breakup with her longterm boyfriend at the time. Somehow, they saw Janna’s time spent with Dan as an abandonment of Kate.

As they made their stance more and more clear, Janna was faced with a difficult choice. Her girlfriends or…..her soulmate.

Of course she chose Dan. He was her whole world.

What a time it was. The chemistry was strong and steady. They got each other. It was so easy to be together and they couldn’t get enough of each other. It was completely natural for them to spend more and more time together. And so they did.

The price was high though. In the not fully informed decision making of a teenage crowd, Janna was excised from the group. At the time, it didn’t seem to matter. The hurt and disappointment was completely hidden by the overwhelming chemistry between Janna and Dan.

The loss of the friendships, the support, the smiles, the involvement the fun of girlfriendness was never addressed.

When Janna and Dan broke up after a passionate, complicated and significant length of time, Janna was left not only without her soulmate and her girlfriends, she also had taken a huge hit in the area of trust. After all, she had picked those girls and her soulmate and those choices were filled with drama and trauma.

Unaware of the unexpressed disappointment still deep in her memory, Janna never trusted women again. Holding her heart closed from other girls, she could comfort herself knowing she couldn’t get hurt like that again.

Fast forward ten, twenty years or so. Janna now has had many women friends over the years but few that have sustained themselves. She is lonely and, truth be told, desperate to meet a man to be with. She wants what she had with Dan. She wants to feel that excitement again. The wanting of it is steady and intense. “Where is he?” She cries into her pillow at night. “Why can’t I meet him?”

Freeze Frame:

The betrayal of women, by women, is the single most injurious of emotional wounding. Self protective postures and behaviors keep women at arms length from each other.

Ask yourself, how many women do I trust completely?

Unless you are very different than most, you come up with a very low number.

What in the world does all this have to do with your invisible soulmate?


When you are drawn into a romantic relationship with an unconscious (which by its nature is naïve and open, bless its heart) desire to fulfill both a girlfriend’s and a boyfriend’s roles, the result is always devastating. Whether it ends sooner or later, the results are the same. The relationship is lopsided and, without help, pretty doomed.

Not many men are going to be attracted (in the invisible but oh so real world of energetic signals.) to you with this signal. Men run from neediness every time. They can’t be everything to you and you wouldn’t want a man who thought that he could. Trust me.

They read it with their Man Radar.

Yuck, you say, I don’t want to radiate that!

Are you ready to start doing things differently?

How serious are you about finding your soul mate?

Take an inventory and see how many of your past female friendships ended badly. Check in with your heart to see if past betrayal still hurts.

Are you holding yourself back in your search for your soulmate because the pain of a broken heart seems worse than being alone?

Learning to open your heart again toward women will put you on the fast track to receiving the man the Universe has been trying to bring to you.

Before you say that you don’t have any issues with those mean girls, ask yourself this question:

Why am I still single?

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Filed under Soul Mates

9 responses to “Why Can’t I Find My Soulmate?

  1. Linda

    When I was young I got along with males better than females. Females were for my taste mostly too complicated and I never felt that I knew where I stood with them. I learned with time that no one person can be everything to me (or me to them) and I developed friendships with women that speak to different parts of me. My Baha’i women’s group has given me a safe place to be myself, no male bashing or or any bashing for that matter. I feel spiritually connected and understood and these friendships have enriched my life.
    Is it really possible to connect with a human being on every deepest level?

  2. Catherine Behan

    Hi Linda,

    Isn’t age wonderful! I love what you said about your Baha’i women’s group. My marriage is definitely enhanced the more I remind myself that my husband is not a girlfriend!

    Allowing myself to connect deeply with different human beings brings refreshment to my soul.

    I am just now trusting some women friends more deeply than ever before. Might some let me down…yes, and I am no longer afraid of that!

    Who of us is perfect anyway?

    Thanks for your comments!


  3. Angie

    I always got along better with boys, too. I’ve had numerous best girlfriends, but they always seem to remove themselves from my life, usually without explanation! Men are easier to be with, but girlfriends relate better! I’d like to find a perfect balance between the two! I’m so excited to get started with this group!

  4. Angie

    I wonder if this work of healing past relationships with girlfriends will help attract new girlfriends as a bonus! That would be the best of both worlds, new girlfriends and a new man!

  5. Catherine Behan

    Hi Angie,

    I think you are right on with the idea of attracting loving relationships not only with men, but with women too.

    We can’t help but react badly to disappointment with our friendships if we haven’t learned how to let go of past hurts and move on…once and for all.

    Isn’t tapping the most wonderful tool ever?

    Thank God for EFT!


  6. Jannavene


    I think there are some valid points in your writing. I do though have to disagree with your title “How to make your man Perfect”

    Why do I disagree. For one if you use the works make him perfect you are insinuating that he is less than perfect just the way he is. Secondly, we are only in control and can change ourselves not anyone else. Thirdly, if you go into a relationship thinking that anything about the other person need changing then you are more often than not setting yourself up for disappointment.

    No one is broken, no one needs fixing, we are all perfect just the way we are. It is our choice to change not someone outside of ourselves that dislikes parts of us.

    Be well all and loving thoughts to you all. Even the apparrently less than perfect men in our lives. hahaha

    Blessed Be

  7. Catherine Behan

    Hi Jannavene,

    I agree whole heartedly with you! I know that as I realize how utterly perfect my man is for me, even when we have rough patches, the more deeply content I am in my relationship.

    It is a completely different mind set compared to my first true love. Where as I used to search for the perfect man and then change him to fit me even better, I now practice tuning into him and when I adjust my thinking and consciously choose to see the best in him, he is the perfect man…exactly as he is.

    Little did I know how influential I can be in creating connection with my man, just by choosing my thoughts and reactions.

    Thanks for commenting and allowing me to chuckle at the irony of my title!


  8. Andreya

    Deer Catherine,
    That is an interesting perspective and I will be open minded to it. I do want to be with my body/mind/soulmate. I don’t remember being abandoned by girlfriends while I was dating someone nor when I broke up with him. I found my girlfirends most supportive. This was true for boyfriends and when I divorced. I recently had a f riend break up with a boyfriend of a year, who had not called or been in contact with me during that time. Another friend and I had her over for dinner as soon as possible. And we continue to be in contact and be supportive.

    I have long-term male and female friends, friendships lasting decades. I am visiting a guy friend and his family as well as a single friend for two weeks each on my trip to California.

    AND, I am still single and would prefer to be with my body/mind/soulmate. (I want it all.) Please gtellme more an how you developed your position. Have you worked successfully with other single women who have now found their soulmate? I am very open to hearing more.
    Andreya Schneider

  9. Catherine Behan

    Hi Andreya,

    I enjoyed your post so much, I wrote an article in response. Thanks so much for checking my blog out and I am glad to have you in the loop!


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