Not even now.
Yes, I have found a man who is more that I ever hoped for and yes, I am ridiculously happy these days but truth be told, I live very carefully most of the time. The age old thought habit driving the need to be perfect is a tough one to overcome.
I am challenged this day to examine that position. Do I really believe that no one is trustworthy? Where did that belief come from. Hmmmm. Yes, there have been a few disappointments along the way. And yes, a few people I thought were solid as the rock of Gibraltar had feet of clay but in their humanity, weren’t their errors in judgment right in line with who they were at the moment?
I have had my share of disappointments with people and with life in general but looking back, I have to admit that even the worse of scenarios all worked themselves out in time.
I wonder what trust looks like. I wonder if I can learn to perceive it differently. If I allow that my past experiences were simply the playing out of various circumstances as they happened and that life did not have an agenda to harm me, perhaps I can reconsider my former beliefs.
What if I could trust that life itself has a natural tendency to balance out over time and that even the toughest of times end up fading away and dissipating in the fogginess of memory and maturity. What if trust is simply allowing life to be, a process of incredible diversity and synchronicity. What if we are to trust the unfolding of time and not the people populating that time.
If we are all in the same boat….trying to make the best of the circumstances surrounding us, maybe trusting the natural progression of events is the only kind of trust that matters. It is nice to think that a human being, especially a dearly loved one, will not error and hurt us but alas, we all hurt someone we love eventually, no matter how hard we try to be perfect partners.
If I learn to trust the natural unfolding of events, I see that surprising things always appear when things look the darkest. Trusting the process of life rather than the people in life feels safer to me. After all, I am still here to write about it. I haven’t met the insurmountable problem or person yet.
Maybe life is trustworthy in an of itself.
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