Tag Archives: relationships

Kids With Your Ex For The Holidays? 5 Keys To Coping

My kids are adults.

Wonderful, successful, bright and shining stars in their worlds. I love them and respect how they have handled the break up of our family. My ex-husband and I both have good relationships with them and, as far as I am concerned, the past is firmly in the past.

I have since remarried and relocated. He is involved with a significant other and moving on.

Lots of feelings get stirred up as the holiday season approaches and sadness creeps right up on me.

I guess the better question is: Why am I surprised that I am sad?

We were married nearly 30 years and held the dream of happily ever after way beyond what makes sense nowbigstockphoto_sight_of_the_boy_in_a_new_year_1544949 as I look back. There was no happily ever after for us. Loss of our family unit, shared glee at our grandbaby’s toothless grin, mutual celebration of our daughter’s law school achievements and our son’s professional life.

This Thanksgiving, five years after the divorce, I am still a little blue. Picturing them with their dad and extended family aches. Every year it gets a little easier at holiday time, but it still aches.

What can we do? Here are five keys to coping with not being with your kids during the holidays. Do your kids a favor and pick at least one and commit to it. They need us to be grownup about it, it is the best holiday gift you can give them.

1. Redefine Happily Ever After: Who said there is no happily ever after? Of course there is! Each of us has walked past the family breakup into new and grand adventures. We have met new people, learned new things and made new memories. Repeat after me: I AM living happily ever after!

2. Rent A Sad Movie: Yes, you read right! It is a good thing to cry. I watched 28 Days this morning with Sandra Bullock. Funny and poignant family drama revolving around early childhood tragedy and the fall out. I found it easy to cry and some of my sadness melted away with the tears.

3. Write A Letter To Your Kids: No, you don’t need to send it! Just write from your heart and pour out your disappointment about not being able to be with them right now. Write how proud you are of them because you know how hard it is for them. Tell them that no matter what, both of you love them to pieces and you are doing your best to manage your own feelings.

4. Do The Gratitude Thing: You have heard it a million times….stay grateful. It is hardest when your emotions are all over the place, but you CAN do it. Thank goodness you are no longer married. Thank the Divine for your new relationships. Thank heaven for those wonderful children…a product of the two of you.

5. Clean a closet: What you say? Yes! There is no better time to do a little purging. Make some room for the new by getting rid of the old. Throw away, give away or have a garage sale. Plug in your Ipod with a good audio book or some old time rock and roll and get busy! Pass the time with mindless productivity, you will feel great when you are done.

While you kids may never be able to express themselves to you in this way, they will be deeply impacted by your taking care of your own emotions during this time. They are hyper-sensitive to your feelings and will have a much happier holiday when they see you using healthy ideas to make a better time for yourself when you have to be apart!

How about you? What tricks have you used to deal with broken family holiday blues?

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Do Men Think You Are Unapproachable? Is That Ok With You?

From The E Mail Bag

Andreya writes: “I do want to be with my body/mind/soulmate. I don’t remember being abandoned by girlfriends while I was dating someone nor when I broke up with him. I found my girlfirends most supportive. This was true for boyfriends and when I divorced…..

I have long-term male and female friends, friendships lasting decades. I am visiting a guy friend and his family as well as a single friend for two weeks each on my trip to California….

AND, I am still single and would prefer to be with my body/mind/soulmate. (I want it all.)”

Hi Andreya,

Thanks for your post. I admire your ability to sustain lasting relationships for so many years. It is comforting to have a host of supporters…like the cell phone commercial! Even though you have wonderful friends, there is no doubt that what you want (to meet men who could be that Soul Mate) is not measuring up to what is happening (you are only meeting men who do not qualify or you are not meeting new and interesting men at all).

What I do know for sure from my work with highly successful women who are not with the man ideally suited to them for a long term relationship, is that they are not aware of the image they are projecting to the world.

Most are stunned to realize that they are projecting an “I’m not available” image. Not only that, little do they know that this image or vibe is amazingly efficient at keeping the “right” type of man out of their experience.

How do I know this to be true? Exactly, how many prospects with real potential have you dated in the last year? I rest my case!

If you think you might be sending out this “I love being single” vibe when you want to be sending a “I’m ready for a man with substance ” vibe, it is wise to look deep within your heart to see what is behind your singleness.

One way to approach this is to take a few days to compile a list of all the best parts about your life right now. What are the advantages of being single? While you might not come up with many at first, if you work on this for a couple of days, you may surprise yourself. Once your list is complete, go through each item and decide mindfully whether or not you are negotiable on it.

This self reflection may be just what the doctor ordered in helping you discover why you are still single. If you still don’t see yourself as unapproachable, ask a close friend to go through your list with you. Her view of your current state of affairs or lack of (sorry, couldn’t resist) may add extra dimension to your self inquiry.

Once you unearth the root to your singleness, you will have one of two outcomes. One, you may indeed embrace your singleness with new passion as it IS life affirming for you or two, you will find yourself in the right place and the right time more often where you will cross paths with many more interesting and available men!

Talk about a win-win!

Good luck to you, Andreya!

Catherine

Looking for more ideas on how to enhance your relationship? Would you like to feel more loved and cherished?  Maybe your Love Set Point is set too low.   Click here for a complimentary Love Set Point Consultation.

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Filed under Soul Mates